After dropping a whole load of money last week I finally had the wonderful realization that I will be attending my first (and good chance last) King Crimson concert. Yes, yes, half this website is dedicated to the band in some form or another, but among all the snark and name calling it is nice to have something to be positive about. While I am sure the shows will be completely off the wall considering the completely unhinged line-up that has been assembled, there are a few things that I wish to happen. The below items range between likely and the edge of complete fantasy.
1. Play something that was never played live before
Despite Red being the greatest album released by the band, there never actually was a tour to support its release as they dissolved quite promptly after its completion. Our only consolation praise of their break up was the glorious live album USA. While King Crimson disintegrating in an abrupt and glorious manner should come to no one’s surprise, the result meant that some songs never got the chance to be played live properly. In reality only two songs were never played, one of which, Fallen Angel, was kinda sorta played during a jam back when the band had two drummers. What I am trying to say here is that they better play One More Red Nightmare. I mean, c’mon, three drummers doing that song? Your brain would explode in four dimensions if that happened.
2. Robert Fripp conquers cell-phones.
There is little I hate more than people who watch a concert through their five inch screen rather than through their own eyeballs (I hardly know why we haven’t evolved past them anyway). Robert’s last foray with Crimson was before cell-phone cameras really evolved in quality and in their frequency of use. Nowadays every show is smattered with the damn things illuminating concerts taking photos that look like garbage and bored texters. Robert’s demand that there be no photos is a bold request to make in 2014, but if he somehow manages to make sure no one takes a photo without requiring everyone to leave their phone in some giant basket at the front door I’ll be pretty damn impressed and pleased.
3. Pat Mastelotto goes all Jamie Muir.
One of the charms of the short lived dual drummer set-up of ’72 was that Jamie Muir was completely fucking bananas. His live performances had him spitting blood, throwing chairs, and assaulting everything he could with his drum sticks. The very little video footage we have of him showcases him creeping around the performance area striking everything in his proximity and being an all around weirdo. Bruford‘s quintessential Britishness prevented such a thing from ever being repeated, but that doesn’t mean Pat can’t give it a go since he’ll have Bill Rieflin and Gavin Harrison covering for him The image is further enhanced by the notion that Pat is a bit older, grayer, and heavier than Jamie was at the time creating a bit of a startling mental image of a somewhat confused and violent old man thrashing around on stage. What could be better?
4. The band does some 70’s style improv.
One of the biggest weaknesses of every incarnation of King Crimson from the 80’s onward is that they more or less stopped doing any improvisations. While yes the ProjeKcts did have something akin to that era and we can not forget ThraK, it was never quite the same. You had no Asbury Park, Providence, Zoom, or A Voyage to the Centre of the Cosmos. These improvisations were glorious examples of how tight knit the band was and how they didn’t even need to play their rehearsed tunes to create amazing music. With a line-up as versatile and totally bonkers as the one they have now they could create some truly outstanding on the fly creations. Sure some parts would be unmitigated messes of trying to find some sort of coherent sound, but I have no doubt most of it would consist of slick grooves and sharp riffs.
5. They play Groon, drummers go apeshit.
One of the lesser known tracks from the dysfunctional In The Wake of Poseidon era is Groon, a sick post-rock progenitor that combined dissonant guitar work with furious non-stop drumming. As a bonus, live versions of the song would erupt into outlandish and extravagant drum solos complete with Phaser effects and other madness. Now imagine this, but with three drummers just going postal. I’m sure we’ll probably hear another version of B’Boom which is a pretty cool track on its own, but is much slower and almost tribal sounding. Instead, I say go with the furious Groon and watch as every drummer in the audience goes mad with delight and everyone else is delightfully annoyed by the unadulterated shenanigans going on in front of them.
6. A heavily intoxicated Adrian Belew shows up and heckles the band.
Bonus points if they troll him and play Frame By Frame despite claiming they are primarily playing old material. This is not because I dislike Belew (we all know that isn’t true), but because a good old fashioned meltdown provides for great youtube material…wait, but if Fripp conquers cell-phones that can’t happen. Damnit a paradox! Acceptable alternative is if they invite a sober Adrian onstage to play Thela Hun Ginjeet and instead of playing the normal recording they play Robert’s phone conversation with Adrian telling him he isn’t in the band.
7. Everyone who paid $300 for “VIP” tickets gets explosive diarrhea
Seriously, fuck you for supporting that shit. I seriously doubt any of that money really gets back to the band anyhow. Us general admission folk will be shaming you from row J. Ok maybe I’m just jealous that I don’t have that kind of money to spend of concert tickets…ok maybe that is exactly the issue.
8. Robert has been secretly been growing his ’69 style sideburns
And he is dying to show you! Ok, maybe this is the one that truly borderlines on unrealistic but damn those things were fresh. Bonus points if the lighting guy actually shines a light on him, because we know that is a cardinal sin of Frippdom.
9. Robert actually talks to the audience.
Back in the days of yore, before his head exploded and he invented improv guitar circles across the globe Robert would actually talk to the audience from time to time. Usually his little bits had an awkward dry British humor about them that were either surprisingly hilarious or very uncomfortable. Either way, after so many years of letting Adrian take his place in stating really bizarre things between songs it would be pretty damn cool for him to walk to the front and thank the audience for coming to the show accompanying that with some more awkward dry British humor and rambling. Fuck it, just tell us the Jimi Hendrix story again. We all love that story!
10. End the show with ‘See you next year’
After ending so many shows with “See you again, maybe never” due to the volatile nature of the group, it would be pretty amazing to know that for once there is some assurance that the beast will survive more than an extended weekend. Acceptable alternative would be stating that the new studio album is coming in March.